Peace. Be Still.
I gaze out the window, my eyes fixed on one particular tree whose leaves seem to be succumbing to the pressure of the wind. “Mommy…” I hear a faint, soft voice in the background of my mind and ignore it. My sight begins to blur the leaves and branches of that tree together as the swaying motions hypnotize me. “Mommy…” the faint voice begins to sound more clear. I feel a small hand tap my leg and, suddenly, I blink. My sight clears and I come back to my senses as my daughter attempts one more time to grab my attention. “Mommy, are you ok, mommy?” I touch her face and reply, “Yes, baby girl. Mommy is ok.”
“What are you doing here?” she asks, looking out the window curiously to see if she spots anything that will captivate her.
“Mommy was just thinking, that’s all, babygirl,” I respond as I crouch down next to her so we can both stare out the window.
“Just thinking?” she questions my answer.
“Yes, baby girl. Just thinking.”
“Ok, mommy,” she says.
Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking - reflecting mostly and trying to put my mind at ease. Worry tries to get the best of me most days. Have you ever been in a season where worry and frustration seem to be the norm?
6 months postpartum, I found out I was pregnant again and I felt as if the wind was knocked out of me. I knew I wanted a third child eventually, I just didn’t imagine it would happen so soon. I was still breastfeeding with no menstrual cycle, so I figured the chances for pregnancy would be low (even though they still existed). Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t upset I was having another child. In hindsight, I was tormented by the thought of not being able to give this child the best of me because of all the projects and plans I had set in place for the next 2 years. The thought of putting my life on hold - again! - was daunting. I felt I was just beginning to get my head above water with my family unit of 4. We had established a rhythm, and, suddenly, that rhythm was off.
Have you ever spent time planning for the future and, suddenly, an event knocks on your door to disrupt the plan? Usually, when this happens, our default is to become frustrated and worry.
So I worried. I spent days worrying. Those worrying days turned into torturing weeks. Those torturing weeks turned into raging storms on the inside that I tried to suppress with work, ministry, and taking care of others. It wasn’t long before I knew I had let the worrying get the best of me. I could see it in my impatience, my separation, my unwillingness to talk and just shut down after putting the girls to bed. I felt like I was spiraling down a staircase of depression and saw no end. For my sake and my baby’s, I knew I had to do something.
I woke up one morning and looked at my scripture wall. My eyes fell on Isaiah 26:3-4:
“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”
I knew then that I had made the mistake of trusting my own plan and I had spent too long attempting to figure out my next steps in my own strength instead of trusting in God and relying on His unwavering peace. I know it sounds like a simple solution, but that’s because it really is that simple.
It’s so hard for us to wrap our human minds around the concept that there is a Good Father who truly cares about our well being and has a better plan outlined for our lives than the ones we create for ourselves. We struggle to accept that we can’t do it all in our own strength (because we love to believe we’re invincible) and that we need to depend on Him to get through our toughest days. Trusting Him is easier said than done, but doing it becomes easier when we believe in our core that He love us, He is good, and He desires the best for us (Jeremiah 29:11).
So, if you’ve been in a season where life has been interrupted by unexpected events and you’re feeling like you’re losing your grip, remember that you don’t have to go through it alone. We have a Good Father! If He’s held on to you and brought you this far, he is faithful to walk with you until the end. But you have to trust that He knows what’s best (not you), and rest in His unwavering peace.